


Fallin' Flower

by hoshi_loop



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Hospital, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Hospitalization, M/M, big sad times coming ok, does this look like something a depressed person would write because it is, im a carat not a doctor, jihoon says boo has a fat ass, jun in super big sunglasses
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-11
Updated: 2021-03-13
Packaged: 2021-03-17 22:42:24
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 14,423
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29973393
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hoshi_loop/pseuds/hoshi_loop
Summary: Soonyoung takes a job in the same hospital that he vowed to never return to after it shattered his heart beyond repair. But when he delivers a gift to the 8th floors resident grumpy patient Jihoon, will the broken pieces finally start to slowly fuse back together?TW // death, loss, sickness, grief
Relationships: Choi Seungcheol | S.Coups/Yoon Jeonghan, Jeon Wonwoo/Kwon Soonyoung | Hoshi, Kwon Soonyoung | Hoshi/Lee Jihoon | Woozi
Comments: 3
Kudos: 14





	1. Present

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! 
> 
> I'm a piece of *sings* GARBAGE.
> 
> I know I said I would wait until Lie Again was finished but I am OBSESSED with this story. Its almost finished completely but I wanted to get this first chapter posted because I'm really proud of it. If you don't like it please don't rain on my parade...let me live. LOL.
> 
> I want to preface by saying I AM NOT A DOCTOR. I don't know shit about much of anything.  
> I did some loose research on terms and illnesses and etc but I really wanted to focus more on the story instead of my mind getting hung up on the details. So if something is not accurate please take it with a grain of salt..this is all pretend. 
> 
> This story will have 4 chapters. They will all be set in different tenses but will be no more than 6 months-a year time jumps..nothing crazy. 
> 
> I'M SO EXCITED ABOUT THIS STORY. I hope you guys enjoy it too. 
> 
> I will be posting the chapters every two days. So chapter 2 will be dropped on Saturday. Strap in because this one is a long one. 
> 
> Thanks again to all my followers and supporters! If you ever want to be friends come find me on twt @simply_soonhoon but be nice because I am the most sensitive person ever to exist, lol. 
> 
> Love you!

Hospitals are a weird place. They can be a place of recovery, second chances, and life, or they can be a place of fear, questions, and death. For Soonyoung they were a chance to shine a little bit of happiness on others who needed it.

It had been a few months since Soonyoung had started delivering flowers to different patients throughout the hospital. He actually kind of just stumbled into the opportunity once while he was about to head home from visiting his best friend. He had seen a gift shop employee struggling with a bundle of flowers and balloons, dropping a teddy plush on the floor and cursing. Soonyoung had run over and helped the other with a small smile.

“Oh, thank you,” the employee said exhausted. “I never have enough hands or time to get these things delivered.”  
“Oh, I can help?” Soonyoung asked.  
“What?” the employee looked Soonyoung over but then checked his watch with a groan. “Okay, thanks. Please don’t just steal these. Room numbers are on the cards.”  
Soonyoung smiled and watched the other run off a small trail of balloons flowing behind him. Soonyoung couldn’t help but laugh a bit. He never stopped delivering after that.

Seungkwan, the frantic employee had thanked him and then talked him into talking with his boss, Jeonghan. After a quick conversation, Soonyoung had found himself with a job. It was summer so Soonyoung was excited about something to busy his days.

Today was an especially slow day at the gift shop which honestly probably was a good thing. Less need for flowers meant possibly less hurt or sick people, Soonyoung thought.

“Here,” Seungkwan dropped a basket of flowers in front of him that had three small bears sticking out of them. “I cannot and will not deliver these. The dude in that room is a terror.”

Soonyoung chuckled. He reached for the card and didn’t recognize the room number. “Lee Jihoon,” he read out loud.

“He’s an asshole,” Seungkwan pouted.  
“Boo Seungkwan, I know you didn’t just call a patient an asshole.” Jeonghan poked his head out of his office. “You know if you’re going to talk shit on people you better say it loudly so I can hear all the gossip.”

Soonyoung laughed while Seungkwan shook his head in disbelief at their boss.  
“You are ridiculous” Seungkwan responded a laugh finally breaking through.  
“Is he really that bad?” Soonyoung asked still staring at the name on the card.  
“No, he’s not,” Jeonghan strolled by to place some more ones into the cash register. “Boo here just doesn’t like him because when he tried to talk to him the dude told him he had a big mouth and was too loud”  
“Ah, so he was honest?” Soonyoung laughed poking a finger into Seungkwan’s rib who in return hit him over the head with a greeting card.  
“It’s not JUST that,” Seungkwan started. “He just...I don’t know. He is just mean and he is like the size of that teddy bear but terrifying.” He pointed towards one of the new teddys that arrived. Soonyoung smiled and walked over to pick it up. It was small and fit perfectly in the palm of his hand. It was a dark grey velvet texture and the face on it was almost a pout. He waved it towards Seungkwan making ghost noises.  
“Oooo I’m Lee Jihoon and I’m here to ruin Boo Seungkwan’s life oooohhh.” Jeonghan chuckled and Seungkwan resorted to his usual ways of dealing with a situation...violence.  
Soonyoung barely missed the stuffed panda that was thrown at his head.

He placed the small pouty bear into his box of deliveries and stuck his tongue out at his coworker.  
“Yeah, I have a few others to drop off near his floor. I’ll be back.”  
Seungkwan silently thanked him and he couldn’t help but roll his eyes at the other’s dramatics.

His other deliveries went smoothly as usual. He loved the looks on others' faces when he walked in carrying a big bouquet of flowers and a handful of balloons. He knew they were only happy for the gifts he was bringing but in a way it made him feel like he was the cause of their happiness. He reassured himself that technically it was true.

He made his way to the floor Lee Jihoon was on and stared at the directory. He hadn’t been on this floor before. It was a long-term care ward for minors. He wondered if they were close in age because surely Seungkwan couldn’t have been scared of a toddler. It wouldn’t surprise him though.

He got off the elevator and wandered a bit trying to figure out which direction he should go to. He gave up and checked at the nurse's station and when he told them who he needed to see he couldn’t help but notice the nurse’s eye roll.  
“You must be new? Usually, the delivery boy waits until Jihoon is on his meds..he is less vicious that way.” She said popping her gum and pointing down a hall. Soonyoung thanked her but also wanted to tell her to be a little bit more compassionate but he figured maybe it wasn’t his place.

He walked down the hall looking into rooms while he passed them. He couldn’t help but be a little nosy. He passed by a few rooms some filled with younger children and a couple with teenagers. When he finally got to room 1196 he was surprised to see it was the one door closed. He readied himself and took a few breaths before knocking on the door and announcing delivery.

“Come in!” he heard a cheerful voice. Soonyoung made his way in and was surprised to see a smiling boy in the bed. He was much taller than Seungkwan described him and definitely not angry at all.

He smiled his biggest smile and proudly presented the flowers to the other. He was surprised again when the other clapped and made grabby hands for the bouquet.

“Are you new? You’re cute! Where is Boo? Was he too scared again?” The patient laughed.  
“Oh,” Soonyoung blushed. “Thank you, I’m kinda new I guess. And Boo was too scared. I’m not sure why. You seem nice.” He dug around in his delivery box and pulled out the small grumpy bear. He held it up next to the other's face. “He said this looked like you but I-“

“Who the fuck are you? And why the fuck are you in my bed Jun?” A voice came from behind Soonyoung which made him whip around. The other boy, Jun, laughed.

Soonyoung was taken aback by the boy emerging from the bathroom. He was smaller but he was beautiful. He had never seen someone so stunning, even in a slightly faded hospital gown. Soonyoung blinked owlishly at Jun laughing in the bed and then back at who he now realized was Lee Jihoon standing by the bathroom glaring at him. He slowly lifted up the grumpy bear and compared it next to the smaller’s face.  
“Oh,” Soonyoung laughed nervously. “You’re Jihoon.”  
“Lee Jihoon, I don’t know you for Christ’s sake, and what is that?” He said pointing to the bear in Soonyoung’s hand. He pushed past Soonyoung and started beating Jun with a pillow to get him out of his bed.  
“Boo said that looked like you,” Jun said blocking the hits from the pillow.  
“I’ll kick his big ass,” Jihoon glared. “That looks nothing like me.”  
“Well...”Jun started but stopped when Jihoon readied his fist to punch the other. “Okay, okay! I’m going back to my room, best friend. I’ll see you at dinner time.”  
“You’re not my best friend.”  
“Bye,” Jun leaned forward towards Soonyoung’s chest reading his nameplate. “Kwon Soonyoung. Thanks for giving me something nice to look at for a change.” He left with a wink.

Soonyoung stood there in the middle of the room a little lost in the moment because he was still trying to understand who was who and everything else.  
“Is there a reason you are still in my room or?” Jihoon asked irritated.

Soonyoung turned back to the other with a smile on his face. Jihoon was back in his bed under the covers and Soonyoung couldn’t help but notice the other looked exhausted.  
“Oh, no, I’m sorry. I had just brought these for you.” Soonyoung said pointing to the basket that was on the other’s bed table. “They are so cute! Are they from a boyfriend?”

What was Soonyoung doing he thought to himself.

“A boyfriend?” Jihoon asked confused. “Why would I have a boyfriend? No, they are from my annoying ass older brother. NOT that it’s any of your business. Can you leave now?”

Soonyoung shook his head and was about to leave but stopped when he saw Jihoon struggling to reach back down and pick up a pair of earphones that had fallen off his bed during the whole Jun commotion. Soonyoung rushed over and bent over to pick them up. He looked up to the other leaning over him watching him in shock. He smiled softly at the boy. “Here,” he said handing the headphones to Jihoon. Jihoon looked like maybe he wanted to bitch about something but he kept his mouth shut and just plugged them into his music player not even bothering to thank the other.

Soonyoung smiled to himself and got back up to leave. He stopped and placed the small grumpy bear on the edge of Jihoon’s bed. “Here, from me. Have a nice night, Lee Jihoon.”

Soonyoung wasn’t sure if the other had heard him since he didn’t acknowledge him at all but he couldn’t help but smile when he was closing the door because he saw the other reach over and grab the bear.

He walked back to the elevator smiling to himself. Once he had made it back to the gift shop he was immediately bombarded with questions from Seungkwan who clearly wasn’t actually stocking the candy he had at his feet. Jeonghan just leaned on the counter watching the two with little interest. When Soonyoung got a bit closer he could see that actually, Jeonghan was napping, something he did more than work.

“That took a long time. Did he verbally assault you?” Seungkwan asked shoving a Snickers into the display.  
“He said you had a big ass.” Soonyoung shrugged.  
Jeonghan snorted.  
“Oh, you’re awake. Who would have thought?” Seungkwan glared at the older.

“He wasn’t so bad. I mean...he wasn’t very nice but damn he is pretty.” Soonyoung said digging through the box of candy and finding a bag of skittles for himself.  
“Pretty?! He is satan, Soonyoung.” Seungkwan proclaimed.  
“Nah...I like him.” Soonyoung winked at the younger.  
“You are sick. You need to go check yourself in over on floor 2 so they can monitor your brain.” Seungkwan shook his head.  
“I met Jun too?” Soonyoung said.  
“Oh god, he is just as bad.”  
“He was nice!”  
“He’s a flirt. And weird. One time I walked in to deliver a card from one of his doctors on his care team and he had on these pair of giant sunglasses..like bigger than his head and just his underwear. When I asked what he was doing he said that he was getting ready for a dirty FaceTime call with his boyfriend. Like what the hell? He’s strange. The fact that HE, that weirdo, has a boyfriend and I’m still single is BEYOND me.”  
“Have you ever listened to yourself complain and bitch for hours on end? Because I have and I’m not surprised you’re single at all.” Jeonghan said sticking his tongue out.

Soonyoung laughed as he watched the other two playfully fight but he couldn’t really focus. He just kept thinking about the boy in 1196.

____

Soonyoung leaned against the counter of the gift shop while flipping through a magazine he grabbed off the newsstand inside the store. He skimmed over a few gossip articles and paused a bit on a recipe for kimchi. He stared a bit too long because his stomach grumbled.

“Why don’t you go take your lunch?” Jeonghan asked flipping through the bookkeeping.  
“Eh..” Soonyoung shrugged shutting the magazine and placing it back where it belongs. He was about to clock out when they heard the door chime.  
“Oh. My. God.” Jeonghan gasped clinging to Soonyoungs arm. “That is the hottest man I have ever seen.”

Soonyoung turned to look at the customer. He was tall and had broad shoulders. His dark hair was slightly messy and hung in front of his big bright eyes. He was attractive but definitely not Soonyoung’s type.

“Hi, I’m needing to get a few gifts for my brother. He has surgery today.” The man said drumming his fingers on the counter while eyeing around the store.

“Oh, we have. Gifts.” Jeonghan messily spoke out. Soonyoung held back a laugh by trying to busy himself with anything other than Jeonghan going basically brain dead.

The man chuckled. “Yes, I would hope so. I was hoping you had something special?”  
Jeonghan smiled. “Sure. We have a few pieces in the back I’ve been working on that I haven’t put out yet. Let me go grab them.”  
The man smiled and thanked Jeonghan before strolling around the store while he waited.  
“Oh, my brother has one of these.” The man said pointing to a small grumpy velvet bear. Soonyoung looked at the bear and immediately realized who this man was.  
“Are you Lee Jihoon’s brother?” Soonyoung asked.  
“Ah, yes.” The man smiled and put down the bear. “Are you the one who gave him it?”  
“I...guess. Yes.” Soonyoung shrugged.  
“I’m Seungcheol. And you are?”  
“Soonyoung.”  
“Thanks for giving my brother the bear. He literally throws all the plushies I give him in the trash but yet I find that little grey bear tucked under his pillow every night.” He smiles again at Soonyoung watching the other’s reaction. Soonyoung is well aware he is being scoped out and tries to play it cool but the thought of Jihoon keeping the bear he gave him gives him a weird fluttering feeling in his stomach.

“He, um, has surgery today?” Soonyoung asked. Seungcheol nodded and sighed.  
“Yes. They are installing a Gtube since he is having issues eating. He isn’t able to keep much down lately.”  
Soonyoung silently mouthed oh.  
“He will be okay though. He’s a tough little shit.” Seunghceol laughed.

Jeonghan walked out carrying two large flower arrangements and placed them on the counter.  
“Well, it was nice meeting you Soonyoung. I have a feeling I’ll be seeing more of you.”  
He watched as Seungcheol strolled back over to the counter to inspect the arrangements. He couldn’t help but roll his eyes at Jeonghan faking being modest. He knew Jeonghan was literally swimming in the compliments Seungcheol was giving him.

Eventually, Seungcheol walked out with a beautiful arrangement of black and blue flowers. Small plastic music notes were sticking out in between the stems.

Soonyoung flicked Jeonghan in the forehead when he kept staring off after the older.  
“I’m taking my break.” Jeonghan shooed him off.

—-

The hospital was big. The gift shop was on the lower floor which was technically the basement. Most customers didn’t even know where it was which is why they mostly just got phone orders. The main floor was the lobby and information area. There was a directory and a bunch of payment offices and whatnot. The next floor was a waiting area and the cafeteria. Up from there was a coffee shop and the start of patient floors.

Soonyoung wasn’t sure of every floor and some he couldn’t remember but he had spent quite a bit of time on floor 5 which was the cardiac floor.

He had. He doesn’t now. He won’t even deliver flowers on that floor, it’s too hard. Too many memories.

He made his way to the cafeteria and grabbed a bag of chips and a coke. He didn’t feel like sitting inside because it was actually more busy than usual, filled with patient’s families and doctors on their breaks. He shoved his food into his bag and took off towards the elevator. When he got in he hovered over floor 8 which was the floor Jihoon was on. He decided against it because he didn’t even know Jihoon why would he randomly go show up. He finally clicked the rooftop even though no one was allowed up there.

He stepped out into the hallway and climbed up the stairs opening the door to the roof. He really liked being on the roof although he rarely came up to it.

He walked around towards the back where he could watch the city below and stopped suddenly when he saw a small figure standing on the ledge.

“Hey! Be careful! You can fall!” Soonyoung yelled out causing the figure to jump and turn around.

“If I’m going to fall it’s going to be because your dumb ass yelled and scared me,” Jihoon yelled.

Soonyoung apologized and walked over to Jihoon. Jihoon slowly walked on the ledge and looked down at Soonyoung. He was wearing a bag slung over his shoulder that held his oxygen and he replaced his cannula quickly.

“Your roots are showing,” Jihoon stated.  
“Oh..sorry I haven’t had time to get to them, Jihoon. I’ll make sure I’m more presentable next time.” He shot the smaller one a big smile.  
“I was insulting you. Why are you smiling?”  
“I don’t know. You just make me smile.” Soonyoung pulled out his chips and offered them to Jihoon.

Jihoon started to climb down and reached out for Soonyoung to steady him onto the ground.  
“Can’t eat. Surgery in an hour.” Jihoon sighed.  
“Shouldn’t you be down there getting ready?”  
Jihoon nodded.

Soonyoung could tell Jihoon wasn’t in the mood for any more questions so he didn’t press any further. He quietly put his chips back in his bag not wanting to eat in front of the other.  
“Just because I can’t eat doesn’t mean you can’t.” Jihoon held the other's gaze.  
“Ah, I don’t mind.”

Jihoon looked like he wanted to say something but he didn’t. They just walked slowly around the roof. He noticed the other was walking slower and seemed to be wobbly. He stopped the other and pointed to an area on the roof where they could sit.

“I’ve seen you before.” Jihoon suddenly said.  
“I know. I delivered flowers.” Soonyoung laughed.  
“No, before that.” Soonyoung looked at Jihoon confused. “You were with a boy. He had glasses. I think he was a patient.”  
Soonyoung felt his stomach churn.  
“I should go and you should get ready for your surgery.”  
Jihoon nodded not taking his eyes off the other. Soonyoung started walking to the door but stopped. He turned around and walked back to Jihoon. He quietly dug through his bag until he pulled out a tiny sticker. It was a small bear. He had drawn a grumpy mouth over the previous smiling one. He peeled the backing off and reached out for Jihoon’s hand. Jihoon watched quietly as Soonyoung stuck it to his hand. “For good luck.”

Soonyoung smiled and let go of the other's hand. He waved and made his way back towards the elevator.

When he got inside he finally let out the breath he didn’t know he was holding. His heart was beating fast and he felt lightheaded. He wasn’t sure if it was because Lee Jihoon let him touch his hand or if it was because Jihoon brought up Wonwoo. Either way, he felt like he needed to lay down. He made it to the lobby floor and glanced around for a nice quiet spot. He found one and settled into a chair. He reached for his phone and texted Jeonghan that he didn’t feel well and would be going home.

“You okay?” Soonyoung looked up to see Jun leaning over him. He got surprised when the other reached out and felt his face. “You don’t have a fever but you look like shit.”  
“Thanks,” Soonyoung mumbled.  
“That’s not what I meant, you’re beautiful.” Jun smiled sitting across from him.  
They sat in silence and Soonyoung was thankful for it.  
“What’s wrong with Jihoon?” Soonyoung finally broke. He watched Jun study his face for a moment before Jun finally smiled.  
“Shouldn’t you ask him? Why the sudden interest?”  
Soonyoung shrugged.  
“Will he die?”  
“Everyone will die.”  
Soonyoung groaned.  
“I can’t get hurt again.”

Jun clicked his tongue. He stood up and walked over to Soonyoung bending at his knees so he was eye level.  
“Isn’t it worth the risk?”

Soonyoung held the other's gaze until he felt a smile stretch on his face. Something about Jun reassured him and just made things easier.  
“That’s the spirit” Jun stood smiling. “See you around.”

Soonyoung watched Jun wander off and he suddenly wondered why Jun was here too. He made a mental note to ask. He checked the time and headed home but stopped when he had an idea.

He ran towards the gift shop and through the door not stopping to see the confusion on Jeonghan’s face. He searched the displays of flowers trying to remember the different languages of flowers and that book Wonwoo read him forever ago. Finally, his eyes landed on a display and he leaned over and pulled one single red Aster out. He waved bye to Jeonghan and jogged to the elevator.

Once he arrived at Jihoon’s floor he walked to his room and peered in. Jihoon must still be in surgery which is what Soonyoung was hoping for.

He walked to the other’s bed and laid the Aster on the bed. He debated if he should leave a note. He almost didn’t but last minute he grabbed a piece of paper and pen from Jihoon’s bedside table and wrote,

“Since you’re a know-it-all. Figure out what this means. I’m getting the idea I’ll need a lot of this.”

He smiled and at the last minute decided to write his number. He didn’t sign it because he knew Jihoon would know.

He walked out of the room and noticed Jun across the hall in his room. He stopped and walked closer to get a look. It was the first time he had seen Jun not smiling. He was wearing some kind of vest and he was coughing horribly.

“Are you okay?” He peeked in concern. Jun looked at him shocked and struggled to cough several more times before a thick mucus finally escaped his throat. He wiped at his mount and motioned for Soonyoung to bring him his cannula for air. Soonyoung took a second to realize but finally got it and walked over to hand it to him.

“I haven’t been wearing either and I should. The walk was a bit much today I guess.”  
Soonyoung nodded as if he understood but he was confused.  
“Cystic Fibrosis. Too much mucus. Not enough air. My lungs are like two little Jihoon’s..angry.” He laughed and Soonyoung couldn’t help but smile.  
“Is that what Jihoon has?”  
“No.”  
Soonyoung nodded.  
“What did you bring him?” Soonyoung raised his eyebrows at the other and laughed to himself.  
“Oh, an Aster.”  
“Is that something sexual?”  
“What? No!” Soonyoung laughed. “It’s a flower.”  
“Boring.” Soonyoung gently slapped the other's shoulder and Jun immediately started coughing again almost choking. Soonyoung couldn’t believe how stupid he was.  
“Jun, I’m sorry I-“ Soonyoung stopped because jun was no longer coughing but just laughing.  
“Sorry, probably not the best joke.” Soonyoung glared at him. “What does it mean?”  
Soonyoung smiled softly. “Patience.”  
Jun smiled. Nodding his head without saying anything. Finally, he spoke, “I like that.”

———

Soonyoung had today off and he wasn’t really sure what to do. Honestly, most days on his time off he would still go up to the gift shop to talk with Seungkwan or bother Jeonghan. Today though he decided maybe staying home would be good. He had been feeling tired recently, ever since Jihoon mentioned Wonwoo.

He rolled out of bed and made his way downstairs to the kitchen. Eyeing a post-it his mom left for him letting him know she would be late at work again and there were leftovers in the fridge. He opened the fridge and eyed them quickly deciding that they definitely weren’t what he wanted. He glanced at the clock and was surprised at how long he slept. It was already late afternoon.

He ran upstairs for his phone and threw on a jacket and a hat. He looked like a bum but there really wasn’t a reason to dress up. He checked his phone to see the work group chat was busy but was surprised to see a message from an unknown number. He clicked it and smiled.

leejihoon: patience? Really? Is this your weird way of insulting me?

kwonsoonyoung: I thought it was cute. Like you.

leejihoon: I’m blocking you.

kwonsoonyoung: you messaged me.

leejihoon: a moment of stupidity. I blame it on the drugs.

kwonsoonyoung: sure, Jihoon.

leejihoon: I’m sorry if I upset you the other day.

kwonsoonyoung: nope. It’s cool.

leejihoon: was he your boyfriend?

kwonsoonyoung: hey I’m in the middle of something. Let’s talk later.

leejihoon: ... ok

Soonyoung sighed and pushed his phone into his pocket. Glancing over at the photo that was turned down on his desk. He tried to steady his breathing.

“Get it together, Kwon.” He said to himself.

The walk to the fast food place wasn’t very long and Soonyoung enjoyed the new chilly weather. He enjoyed summers and warmth but his favorite was the cool evenings that promised rain.

He pulled open the door and walked in immediately scanning the menu overhead. After ordering his food he leaned against the wall waiting for his number to be called. He scanned the room and smiled at a small girl who was making faces at him from her table. He froze though when we saw an older woman walking towards him smiling.

“Soon, honey!” The lady beamed. She looked tired but her smile was comforting to Soonyoung. “It’s been so long since I’ve seen you. Bohyuk misses you.”  
Soonyoung forced a smile. “Oh, yeah. I miss him too. I just...I just have been working a lot.”  
Mrs. Jeon smiled and nodded. Soonyoung knew she saw right through him. She had known him ever since he was little. She was practically his second mom since his mom was never home due to work.  
They stood in silence a bit before she reached out to grasp his arm softly.  
“Soonie, I miss him too but...please don’t be a stranger. We don’t want to lose you too.”  
Soonyoung tried his best to push the tears back and nodded softly. He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her into a big hug. They held each other tightly both sniffling when Soonyoung’s order was finally called out.

They both pulled back and laughed a bit at the two of them both crying in the middle of a Burger King.  
“I love you, Soon. We all do. Please let Bohyuk know you’re okay. You are like a brother to him and he could really use the support.”  
Soonyoung nodded promising to call the younger and to visit more often. He grabbed his food and waved to her while walking out. He tried not to notice her smile was exactly like Wonwoo’s and he tried to ignore the emptiness he felt in his heart.

——

It had been days since Soonyoung had talked to Jihoon. He never replied back to him and Jihoon never attempted again.

Soonyoung was definitely in a mood today as well. Jeonghan had left to go change because supposedly Seungcheol might come in today since it’s usually Wednesdays that Seungcheol sends Jihoon a gift. Seungkwan was at a dentist's appointment and would be in later.

Soonyoung pouted and looked around the empty shop. He was bored. Nothing was keeping him out of his head. He decided a change of music might cheer him up since Jeonghan had been playing the most annoying trot music since Monday.

He pulled out his music player and connected it to the speakers. He scrolled through his songs not really feeling any of them. He stopped when he saw a playlist of old songs he and Wonwoo used to dance to. They were corny songs. A lot of early Jonas Brothers and other random Disney songs. They both went through a really weird stage where they thought Nick Jonas was the epitome of gorgeous. He laughed to himself when he finally chose Camp Rock.

He couldn’t help but smile while it boomed through the speakers.

“Cos we rock, we rock, we rock on..” Soonyoung quietly sang along tapping his toe.

Eventually, Soonyoung was in the middle of the shop, broom in his hand as a guitar and belting out, “Raise your hands up in the air and scream, we’re finding our voice, followin our dreeeeams, cause we rock, WE ROCK!”

He stopped abruptly when he heard someone clear their throat. He slowly turned around and felt his face grow red with embarrassment.

“Wow. Uh. Didn’t know Mitchie Torres worked here.” Jihoon laughed.

“You laugh but you know the names of the characters so..” Soonyoung stuck out his tongue.

“Well...I suppose you’re right.” Jihoon smiled.

“Wait. I feel like maybe I need to savor this moment because I’m sure you’re not one to say that often.”

Jihoon rolled his eyes. He was in a pair of sweatpants and an oversized sweater that was a really pretty shade of lavender. It made his already pale skin seem almost porcelain. He was hooked up to an IV machine which he held in one hand and again his small oxygen bag and cannula.

“You’re staring,” Jihoon stated. He held Soonyoung’s gaze for a moment before breaking it to slowly study the different stuffed animals on the displays. “Do you sell a lot of these?”

Soonyoung shook his head. “No, flowers and balloons are the big sellers.”

“You’d think you wouldn’t want to send someone something that would die or lose air to someone who was deathly ill.”

Soonyoung raised his eyebrows at the other. Which made the smaller laugh. “Sorry, I know I’m morbid. It comes with the sickness I guess.”

“What sickness? It’s not like Jun’s I know but I don’t know anything else.”

“Been doing some investigating?” Jihoon laughed pausing to pick up a small tiger plush.

“I guess. I’m curious.” Soonyoung said walking over to Jihoon.

“Kugelberg-Welander.” Jihoon said.

“Bless you,” Soonyoung said. Jihoon turned and looked at him astounded. Soonyoung blinked at him and then finally Jihoon started to laugh. Like really laugh. So much that Soonyoung was scared he would waste too much oxygen and pass out.

“It’s my disease, you imbecile.” Jihoon laughed out. Soonyoung smiled at the other.  
“Your laugh is really pretty.”

Jihoon stopped laughing and focused back on the plush.

“So tell me about it then?” Soonyoung asked.

“I have problems walking and standing up. My muscles and tendons are shorter than normal. My muscles are wasting away too, I guess. Eating and even breathing is a chore sometimes.”

Soonyoung nodded softly. “Maybe you should sit then?” Jihoon shook his head but steadied himself against a display shelf. “I’m okay.”

“Is it life-threatening?” Soonyoung finally asked.

Jihoon looked at the other studying his face. He was about to answer but was interrupted by a loud voice.

“Jihoon, why are you up and walking around? You are several floors down. That is too much walking!” Seungcheol sternly said.

“I’m fine. I haven’t walked for a few days to prepare for this trip.” Jihoon said shyly looking away from Soonyoung.

“Jihoon, you can’t do this.” Seungcheol pleaded. There was a moment shared unspoken with them and eventually, Jihoon sighed and nodded his head.

“Let me just buy what I came for?” He asked his older brother. Soonyoung headed to the counter to give them some privacy and to boot up the cash register because he hadn’t that morning.

He was surprised to see the small tiger plush placed on the counter. Jihoon turned to face Seungcheol and held out his hand for money.

“What the? What if I wouldn’t have shown up?” Seungcheol asked.

Jihoon smiled. “I have money but yours works better.”

Soonyoung couldn’t help but snort at that. He smiled apologetically at Seungcheol when he took the bill from him. He gave Seungcheol his change and told them to have a good day. They were walking out when Jihoon stopped Seungcheol.

Seungcheol stayed by the door waiting for his younger brother while Jihoon slowly pushed his machine back over to the counter where Soonyoung was standing. He dug in the plastic bag and pulled out the plush.

“Here.” He said pushing the tiger into Soonyoung’s hands. “You gave me one that looked like me so I wanted to do the same.”

Soonyoung looked down at the cute tiger in his hands and back to Jihoon.  
“Jihoon, thank you.”

The smaller smiled and dipped his head trying to hide the blush that had covered his face. He would have gotten away with it if the tips of his ears hadn’t given it away, they were colored scarlet.

The boy made his way towards his brother who leaned down to let the smaller crawl onto his back. Seungcheol grabbed the IV machine and turned around to face Soonyoung.

The older and the boy on his back both smiled and waved goodbye to Soonyoung before leaving the store.

Soonyoung looked back down to the tiger in his hands and for the first time in a long time, he felt his heart flutter instead of break.

———-

“Soonyoung, the phone is for you,” Seungkwan said suspiciously while holding out the shop phone. Soonyoung raised an eyebrow and placed the phone against his ear.  
“This is Soonyoung?”

“Hey. I need you. Jihoon is having a freak-out. I need reinforcements.”  
“Jun?”  
“Yeah, hurry.”  
Soonyoung was about to respond but the other had already hung up. Soonyoung listened to the dead air for a moment before finally putting the phone down. He turned towards Seungkwan and explained he needed to take his break now. Seungkwan narrowed his eyes but told him it was fine.

Soonyoung ran all the way to the elevator and hurriedly pressed floor 8.

By the time he got to the floor, he could already hear Jihoon. He was yelling and there was a lot of crashing. Soonyoung picked up his pace and skidded to a stop outside 1196.

He was surprised to see Jihoon back in his gown and hooked up to several other machines but standing next to his bed throwing flowers to the ground that was already littered with broken glass, water, and stems. Jun was at the foot of his bed trying to talk Jihoon down.

“Hey...Jihoon?” Soonyoung nervously asked. Jun turned and silently thanked him for showing up. Jihoon stilled with a vase in his hand. Soonyoung recognized the arrangement as the one Seungcheol had bought recently.

“What are you doing here?” Jihoon snapped.  
“I called him, Ji..” Jun explained, hands out trying to calm down the younger.  
“Why? Why would you call him? I don’t want him here. I don’t want him anywhere near me!” Jihoon screamed. His entire face losing color. He paused and leaned over on the bed for a moment catching his breath.

“Hey, hey. I’ll leave. Just relax, please. Let me clean this up so you don’t get hurt.” Soonyoung assured bending down to start picking up the bigger chunks of glass. He shook while grabbing the pieces and jumped when he heard a crash right next to him. The blue and black flowers fell apart when they hit the floor. “Holy shit! You almost hit me!”

Jihoon narrowed his eyes. “I said I don’t want you here! I don’t need any of you!”

Jun sighed and helped Soonyoung to his feet. “I’m sorry. I thought it would calm him down. Let’s go. We can call for cleanup.”  
“I need to wash my hand first,” Soonyoung held up his hand that was now covered in blood. Jun nodded and padded back to his room.

Soonyoung shakily went to the sink in Jihoon’s room and turned on the water.

“Did I do that?” He heard Jihoon quietly ask. He shook his head and continued washing his cut. He pulled a few paper towels out and balled them up into his fist closing his hand around it and squeezing for pressure.

“It’s fine, Jihoon. I’m sorry I came by.” He didn’t turn to look at the other he just walked out and closed the door behind him.

When he got on the other side he leaned his back against the closed door and steadied his breathing. He was beginning to think maybe he needed a cannula too, at least he would fit in with his friends.

He took another deep breath and crossed the hall to Jun’s room. He peeked in and found the other sitting on the windowsill. He looked tired and sad.

“Hey, I’m sorry. I called the janitors.” Jun said when he noticed the other. Soonyoung nodded and sat down in a chair that was pressed in the corner. He ran his hands through his hair and then down his face. He suddenly felt exhausted.

“He gets like that. I mean he’s always grumpy but he usually loses it every so often. He hasn’t been grumpy this past week so I wasn’t prepared for it like I usually am.” Jun explained.

“What happened?” Soonyoung asked finally.

“Living here sucks, Soonyoung. Being sick sucks. We don’t have normal lives and we never will. I’ve always been sick. I’ve never known anything but this life. Jihoon’s illness showed up suddenly. He was in high school and one day he couldn’t move his legs. I can’t even imagine. He got pushed into this life quickly. He still is adjusting.”

Soonyoung nods. He thinks back to his own school and how devastated he would be if he suddenly couldn’t finish his last year.

“When he first got here he wasn’t as angry. He was hopeful. He didn’t know what it was like to have an illness. He thought it would be a quick fix. He used to play his guitar in his room and all the patients loved his voice, it’s beautiful. “ Jun smiled to himself remembering. “But soon Jihoon started to struggle using his hands. He couldn’t play anymore or at least not as he could before. I think he was okay with having to leave school and leaving his home but he couldn’t lose the one thing that meant everything to him, his music. He stopped playing and he turned into...what he is now. Angry.”

“No one visits him other than Seungcheol. His parents...they have just moved on with their lives. His illness and the things needed to make his life livable were too much for them. His friends stopped coming by because they carried on with their lives. Seungcheol used to come every single day but now it’s once maybe twice a week. He tries his best but he has a life outside of being at his brother’s bedside. He owns a restaurant and is working hard to help pay Jihoon’s medical costs.”

“No one visits him?” Soonyoung asked in disbelief. “Who would just...move on like that?”

Jun shrugged. “It’s more common than you think. Look at me.”

Soonyoung nodded slowly. It was true. He had never seen anyone in Jun’s room and he had never seen any deliveries made to his room.

“What about your boyfriend?” Soonyoung asked.

“Oh, I ended that. It’s not fair. To put someone I love through the hell of having to take care of me. To have to pay for this when I’m gone. Which will happen. I’m on borrowed time, well, borrowed air.”

Soonyoung’s heart ached for Jun and for Jihoon. He knew what Jun meant when it came to how it affected others because he had experienced it but he had never thought about how Wonwoo had probably felt. It explains a lot of their fights during those last few months.

“Jihoon didn’t get chosen for the new study they are doing. Studies aren’t guaranteed to fix anything but sometimes they are this small sliver of hope for us.”

Soonyoung understood. He stood up and walked over to Jun, placing a hand on his.

“I need you to be his friend, Soonyoung. He needs someone and I...I don’t know how much longer I’ll be around.” Jun said staring intently at the other.

“Jun, don’t say that.”

“It’s true. The transplant list is long and I’m nowhere close to where I need to be on that list. My lungs are getting worse. He doesn’t know yet. I can’t give him another reason to be angry.”

“Okay, I’ll be there for him. And you.” Soonyoung assured the other. Jun sighed and leaned into the other’s chest.

“Gather up all your Asses because you will need them,” Jun said.

“Asses?” Soonyoung asked confused.  
“Those red flowers.”  
“Oh! Asters.” Soonyoung laughed. Jun shrugged and soon they were both laughing.

——-

Soonyoung spent that evening at home alone as usual. He had done his best to stay busy but he couldn’t get his conversation with Jun out of his mind.

He thought back to his time with Wonwoo and tried to see certain situations from his side instead of his own. One of the last things Wonwoo had told Soonyoung was that he was selfish. Soonyoung knew it was true, he was. It’s obvious even now. He had promised Wonwoo he would be there for Bohyuk and his mom but he had ignored their calls for months. Deleted voicemails of Bohyuk crying into the phone needing any kind of reminder of his brother.

He glanced at the envelope that was sitting on top of the turned-down picture frame. It was something Wonwoo had wrote for him. He hadn’t opened it. He was too scared to.

He sighed and pressed Bohyuk’s contact on his phone.

“Hyung?” Bohyuk sounded tired. Not like the usual ball of energy that Soonyoung had grown used to.

“Hey, bud. I’m sorry it’s been so long, I just wanted to see how you were?” Soonyoung felt his throat closing but he pushed through.

“Not well. Will it ever get easier?” He asked.

“They say. But I haven’t been lucky enough to experience that yet.” Soonyoung laughed lightly into the phone. Bohyuk laughed as well. It was a good sound. It was a lot like Wonwoo’s but softer.

“Can you see me more often? I know it’s selfish to ask because I know it’s hard but...mom doesn’t talk about him. Most of his pictures have been moved and mom packed up his room. She says she is trying to move on as he would want but I feel like she is just packing him away. I can’t smell him anymore on the pillows, I can’t even remember how his laugh sounded.” Bohyuk’s voice was pained and Soonyoung wanted so bad to hug the other. He could feel the tears on his cheeks and he sniffed a few times before replying.

“I heard it just before. It’s been so long but I heard it when you laughed. So much of him is still with you. You don’t have to let him go or forget him but you have to live your life. For him and for yourself. Grief doesn’t have an expiration date or a timeline, Bohyuk. What might work for your mom might not for you but she’s doing her best. And you’re not selfish. I am. Hell, even Wonwoo said it. I’m sorry I haven’t been here for you.”

“Wonnie-hyung didn’t think you were selfish. He might have said it when he was mad at you but he loved you, Hyung. He once told me that I would be okay because I would have the biggest brightest star to follow me when I felt in the dark. He said that that was you. You were a star. You made him so happy.”

Soonyoung couldn’t stop himself, he let out an ugly sob. He felt like he hadn’t let himself cry since Wonwoo passed. He cried for hours on the phone with Bohyuk on the other line comforting him and assuring him that he was so loved by Wonwoo and that he still is loved by him too. Soonyoung knew that he should be the one comforting the younger but it really felt nice to be taken care of for a moment, a luxury he hadn’t had in over a year. He had put on a brave face for Wonwoo when he first got sick and he never learned how to take it off after he passed.

When they said their goodbyes Soonyoung laid his phone down and got up to wash his face. He finished up quickly when he heard his phone ringing. He figured Bohyuk needed something else.

He was surprised to see it was a FaceTime call and it was from Jihoon. He glanced in the mirror and groaned because his whole face was red and splotchy, there was no denying he had been crying. He was too tired to care so he accepted the call anyway.

“Hey, thanks for answe- hey, are you crying?” Jihoon asked. He looked cute Soonyoung thought. Soonyoung could tell he was tucked into his bed and his soft skin glowed under the lights of the hospital machines that were quietly beeping and clicking. He had a black beanie pulled on his head and messy strands of black poked out from under.

“Yeah,” Soonyoung said sucking in a shaky breath. “It’s...been a day.”

Jihoon nodded. Soonyoung looked at the other and tried to memorize every detail of the other’s face. The small dimple below his mouth that occasionally showed. The shape of his eyebrows and the small curve of his mouth. He really was beautiful.

“I’m sorry.” He said and it knocked Soonyoung out of his daydreaming. Soonyoung shook his head to show it wasn’t a big deal. “How is your hand?”

Soonyoung looked down and realized he had forgotten about that. He held it up with a weak smile. “It’s still here so. Really wished you would have at least cut the left hand. I use my right hand.”

Jihoon raised his eyebrows. Soonyoung was confused but about choked on his spit when he realized what Jihoon thought. “I meant I’m right-handed in general...like writing and..” Jihoon has started to giggle at the blush that crept across Soonyoung’s face.

“I don’t need to know what all you do with your right hand, Soonyoung.” His eyes glittered and Soonyoung swore he felt his heart stitch together a bit where it was once torn.

“Are you okay?” Soonyoung asked. Jihoon smiled and nodded.

“I sometimes...I feel like I hold everything in. I have to be strong because I’m kind of doing this alone I guess and it’s like I don’t want to let myself feel happy or hopeful. I need to protect myself because most of the time stuff doesn’t work out for me. I just get to a point where it finally breaks out and I don’t know...I’m sorry I probably sound insane.” Jihoon sighed.

“No more than usual.” Soonyoung teased.  
“Coming from you...that’s rich.” Jihoon poked back.

“What are you doing? It’s late.” Soonyoung asked checking the time. He must have been on the phone with Bohyuk longer than he thought.

“Can’t sleep. Usually, the random times I have the energy to be awake it’s like not the proper time to do so.” He laughed lightly.

“Want company?” Soonyoung asked. He couldn’t help but notice Jihoon’s surprised reaction and the reddening of his cheeks.

“It’s late and cold out. You don’t have to come.”

“I’ll be there in 30.” He said before hanging up before the other could respond.

He rushed into the bathroom and quickly showered off any remnants of his crying fest. He threw on a beanie to cover his wet hair and dug through his closet looking for something to wear. He thought about dressing up but that would be weird so he settled on a nice pair of fitted black joggers with a white shirt and a purple and blue flannel on top. He slipped on his tennis shoes and threw on his big black parka and headed off towards the hospital.

Jihoon wasn’t wrong, it was cold but Soonyoung walked on regardless. By the time he arrived at the hospital, he was certain his fingers would fall off.

When he walked up to Jihoon’s closed-door he opened it slowly after knocking softly. The room was quiet and the lights were off other than a small lamp. He looked in the bed and it was empty but he heard the sound of the shower. He smiled at the fact the smaller decided to get showered before he came over.

He sat in the chair next to Jihoon’s bed and glanced around the room. Long-term care patients get to decorate their rooms. He hadn’t realized it until he had seen Jun’s room which was covered in millions of mini twinkling lights, hanging paper lanterns of all colors, millions of SpongeBob and cat memes printed and taped to the walls...it was very Jun. Jihoon’s room though wasn’t quite as adorned. He had a few drawings tape to a small area of the wall near a desk which was littered with papers full of writings. Soonyoung wondered if they were songs. He noticed a guitar in the corner of the room and a small Bruno Mars poster taped up. There wasn’t much but it somehow screamed Jihoon. What surprised Soonyoung was the windowsill. It was lined with small figurines and plastic bears. Different marvel characters in fighting pose. Soonyoung smiled at the idea of Jihoon being a nerd. He glanced around for the small bear he had given him but couldn’t see it. This weirdly upset him until he remembered what Seungcheol had said. He listened carefully to make sure Jihoon was still showering and then leaned over and picked up his pillow. There underneath was the bear. Soonyoung couldn’t help the smile that filled his face.

Soonyoung was placing the pillow back on the bed when he heard it. The shower stopped and he could hear singing. He strained to hear more.

“Cos I just want it simple...simple...” Jihoon sang loudly this time as opening the bathroom door. He froze when he saw Soonyoung. Soonyoung immediately blushed and looked away. Jihoon was only covered at the waist by a towel. “Oh, you’re here already. I’m sorry. Give me just a second.”

Soonyoung glanced over and watched the boy dig around for a new gown. His back flexing and moving while he dug. Soonyoung watched as a bead of water slid down the boy’s spine and he felt like reaching over and using Jihoon’s oxygen. Jihoon straightened and turned to the other with a smile. Did he know Soonyoung was checking him out? Jihoon raised the gown over his head and Soonyoung about died when he saw the boy's torso stretch. He was still damp and practically glistening. He was like one of those glittery vampires in teen movies. He tried to not look at the muscles and skin that laid right above the dangerously low towel. He looked away when Jihoon dropped the gown over his body and then dropped the towel.

Soonyoung cleared his throat. Jihoon chuckled softly to himself and climbed into his bed covering up his body and settling into his pillows.

“I didn’t know you could sing,” Soonyoung said trying to not think about Lee Jihoon naked and wet.  
“Sure you did.” He laughed.  
Soonyoung raised his eyebrows at the other.  
“Jun told me he explained my life story to you.”  
Soonyoung nodded and smiled. “Yeah, I guess.”

They both sat there quietly for a bit staring out the window at the stars.  
“Do you like stars?” Jihoon suddenly asked not taking his eyes off the sky.  
“Sure, I’ve never met one so I can’t like say for sure.” Jihoon giggled at this.  
“Your bracelet. It’s a star. And has Japanese writing on it. I thought maybe you were into them or something.”

Soonyoung looked down at his bracelet and covered it with his other hand. “Oh, it was a gift, I’ve had it so long I sometimes forget it’s there.”

“Did he give it to you?”

“Why are you so hung up on this?” Soonyoung asked slightly annoyed.  
“Why are you?”

Soonyoung glared at the younger who looked back at him unbothered.

“Yes, he-Wonwoo, gave it to me. He always said I was like a star.” Soonyoung quietly answered fidgeting with the clasp on the bracelet.

“Hm. A tiger and a star. I can see both.” Jihoon hummed. Soonyoung looked at him and desperately wanted to open up to the other but he didn’t even know how to start.

“Was be your boyfriend?” Jihoon asked again.

"I..I don't know. Kinda? No. Not really. We had been friends since we were toddlers. Our moms were best friends. We did everything together. He was there for my first everything...he was my first everything. We did boyfriend things..at times...but I don’t know if he considered us to be more than friends.” Soonyoung explained.

“Friends don’t usually fuck.” Jihoon said.

“It wasn’t fucking. It was our first time. Anyways, he wasn’t a boyfriend type of guy. He had plans and dreams and falling in love wasn’t one of them.”

Jihoon was silent for a bit and Soonyoung wondered if he had said too much.

“It wasn’t his plan but it was yours?” Jihoon wondered out loud.

“It wasn’t my plan either but it happened. At least for me. He was my best friend and he loved me but no more than a friend.”

“I’m sorry. That must have been hard.” Jihoon glanced at the other.

“I used to think so but then he died and that was harder. Is harder.”

“I’ve never been in love. Or had any of my firsts.” He paused clearly embarrassed by his omission. “How did he die?”

“Heart failure. It was sudden. He passed out in the gym at school and then was admitted here. He needed a valve replacement and that only worked for so long. He needed a full transplant but he didn’t make it long enough.” Soonyoungs voice wavered and he cleared his throat in an attempt to hide it.

“I used to always see you going to his room. You were always smiling and laughing. Carrying in gifts and piles of books that I was sure you’d drop.”

Soonyoung smiled weakly and nodded, “He had a book bucket list. So I spent a lot of time finding the books and then reading them to him.”

Jihoon smiled. He looked down at his hands. “I remember being jealous. That someone who had come to the hospital at the same time as me arrived with someone that loved them and then that person never left. My people...they left.”

“Your brother?”

“I’m a burden to him. He is in his prime. He should be enjoying life and taking out the cute gift shop owner he always carries on about.” Soonyoung perked up when he heard that.

“He likes Jeonghan?”

“Yes, why do you think I get so many flowers and gifts from him? He does it because he is too chicken shit to just ask him out.” Jihoon laughs.

“Jeonghan would absolutely shit himself if your brother asked him out. He is crazy about him.”

“That’s gross, LOL. Maybe he shouldn’t ask him out if that’s the outcome.”

They both laugh and then fall into a comfortable silence.

“I should let you sleep,” Soonyoung said starting to stand. Jihoon leaned over and stopped him.

“Please stay, I’ll sleep...if you want me to but please don’t leave.” Jihoon asked shyly.

Soonyoung nodded and adjusted back into the chair. He reached over for an extra blanket and covered up before turning to his side to meet Jihoon’s eyes.

They stared at each other a bit before the younger’s eyes started to fight to stay open.

Once Jihoon’s eyes closed and his breathing steadied Soonyoung leaned over and pulled the covers up to the smaller’s chin. He stopped to brush a strand of hair out of his face and he sighed.

“How could anyone ever leave you. You are so beautiful.”

He sat back down in the chair and pulled up his blanket. He had already leaned back to close his eyes that he missed Jihoon fluttering his eyes open to look at him with tear-filled eyes.


	2. Past

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi if anyone is reading this, haha! 
> 
> I'm still really in love with this story.   
> As promised updates every two days. 
> 
> This chapter is set in the "past" so a couple of months before the first chapter. Just a little inside look into Soonie's relationship with Wonwoo.

Soonyoung had messed up. Like really messed up. He had gone the entire school day without wanting the world to crack open and swallow him but now here he is in the locker room watching his best friend since FOREVER change into gym clothes and remembering how said best friend felt in his mouth last night.

“Soon? Are you getting dressed or?” Wonwoo asked with a knowing smile on his face.  
Soonyoung shook himself out of his perverted mind and nodded with a forced smile. He pulled his gym clothes out of his locker and started to get dressed.

“Hey, you promised if we had sex that you wouldn’t make it weird.” His best friend said with worry in his voice.  
“Make things weird? I’m not making things weird.” Soonyoung snapped.

Wonwoo sighed and started walking to the gym door. He stopped and turned, “Listen, I said it was a bad idea. I knew you’d... you’d react like this. I love you, Soon but not in that way. Let me buy you banana milk after practice?”

“Oh, sure. Here is some banana milk in exchange for your virginity, best friend.” Soonyoung angrily forced his shirt over his head. “Just go, Won. I know you think I’m so in love with you but I actually think you’re a real asshole.”

Wonwoo sighed again but left towards volleyball practice. Soonyoung stared at the door his best friend walked out of and did his best to push back tears that were forming in his eyes.

Wonwoo was right. Soonyoung had assured him that he wouldn’t read any more into what happened last night. They had been best friends since they were babies, they did everything together so it seemed logical to want to get most of the firsts accomplished before senior year started together.

Wonwoo wasn’t naive to Soonyoung’s budding crush over the last year. Soonyoung did his best to hide it and often hated that he had one but this was the one person constant in his life-the one person who knew him best-how could he not fall in love with him?

It pained Soonyoung to know though that Wonwoo didn’t feel that way either. He of course respected Wonwoo’s feelings and in the end was thankful for their friendship above anything else that could ever blossom between them but he was dumb. He thought that maybe having sex with Wonwoo would maybe flip a switch in Wonwoo that would make him realize that he did in fact love Soonyoung in more than one way.

Wonwoo and he had discussed the decision to sleep with each other for months. Wonwoo liked the idea but he also worried that it would hurt Soonyoung when once again he wouldn’t reciprocate the feelings that Soonyoung had so strongly carried. It’s not that Wonwoo didn’t want to love Soonyoung. He did. That would have made his life so much more simple. Who wouldn’t want to just live happily ever after with their best friend? But the fact of the matter was that Wonwoo was undeniably in love with someone else and that someone else was straight. He wanted to look at Soonyoung the way he looked at his volleyball coach Mr. Kim but he couldn’t. In his heart, though Wonwoo knew that even if there was no Coach Kim, Soonyoung still wouldn’t be the man he desired to be with romantically.

Soonyoung slammed his locker shut and willed himself to not think of the things that happened last night. And the things that happened after. Wonwoo was a good guy and an even better best friend but when they had finished Soonyoung couldn’t help but feel...venerable in a way he had never been with his best friend. He wanted to be held and assured but Wonwoo was...well, Wonwoo. He wasn’t one for affectionate gestures and he had already gotten up to clean himself and Soonyoung was left staring up at the ceiling with tears in his eyes. This wasn’t what he wanted he told himself. This wasn’t how it was supposed to be. He was snapped out of his thoughts when an old shirt was tossed and landed on his face. “Here clean up, Soon, mom will be home soon.”

Soonyoung had left last night defeated and angry. Two emotions he had never felt towards Wonwoo. He knew he was wrong to feel the way he did, he knew what it meant and Wonwoo had told him multiple times it was nothing more than them getting the first time out of the way.

Soonyoung’s anger had grown throughout the day. He began to feel what he assumed was resentment. He wasn’t sure though because the majority of his life he had always been happy and positive. But last night Wonwoo took more than Soonyoung’s virginity..he took his positivity, his innocence, and his views of his best friend being the most perfect human on the planet.

He slipped through the gym doors and stalked over to where the boys were getting ready to start practice. He smiled back at Chan a younger year who he had a lot of love for. His mood must have been apparent because he felt Chan’s eyes staying on him uneasy.

Wonwoo was of course at Coach Kim’s side checking out the practice plans and overly laughing at whatever dumb shit was coming out of the other’s mouth. Wonwoo thought Soonyoung wasn’t aware of the crush he had on the older but Soonyoung wasn’t as dumb as the other often believed.

He found his place on the court and steadied his feet. Stretching his arms out a bit and eyeing the other boys on the other side of the net. He refused to meet Wonwoo’s when he got in place across the net from him. Wonwoo smiled at him but Soonyoung wasn’t feeling up to it. He knew he should  
put on a show that everything was okay with them, not just for Wonwoo’s sake but for also their teammates.

A few rounds went seamlessly and Soonyoung was feeling a bit more relaxed. He loved the sounds of the ball being thudded between players and the squeaks of their shoes on the wood flooring. He was already sweating and he smiled when he pushed back the damp hairs that had attached themselves to his forehead.

He met Wonwoo at the net to give a high five and he told himself at that moment he would forgive Wonwoo for things that Wonwoo would never fully understand he did. They went to have a water break with a few of the other teammates who of course immediately went into a tirade of discussions about sex and everything else teenage boys discussed whenever they had a chance. Teasing among the members was common and Soonyoung forced a smile through a few digs thrown between the members.

“Chan, here will always be a virgin,” Vernon laughs poking the younger.  
“I’m fine with that. I’d rather be that or wait for the right person than be a whore like you, Non.” Chan said sticking his tongue out. “What about you Hyung?” He asked turning towards Soonyoung.  
Soonyoung took a gulp from his water and shrugged. He could feel Wonwoo’s eyes on him and for some reason, this irritated him.  
“Who’s gonna fuck Soonyoung?” Laughed Wonwoo. Soonyoung capped his water and wiped his forehead with his shirt. “I don’t know, Won? Who would fuck me?” He asked glaring at the other.  
Wonwoo looked shocked and so did the other teammates, who were surprised by the anger in Soonyoung’s voice, an emotion they hadn’t seen before on their co-captain.

“What’s your problem today?” Wonwoo snapped back.  
“You! You are heartless!” Soonyoung pushed the other in the chest. Before they could get into probably their first ever actual fight Coach Kim called for them to continue the practice.

Soonyoung got back in place and glared while watching Coach Kim ask if Wonwoo was okay. “Fuck him,” Soonyoung muttered to himself.

Vernon spiked the ball and as it came to Soonyoung he only saw red. He jumped, toes leaving the floor, and swung down at a force he didn’t even realize he had. It shot straight into Wonwoo’s face. A loud crack of the other’s glasses. The team was silent other than Coach Kim yelling at Soonyoung. Wonwoo removed his hands from his face and revealed shattered glasses and a bloody nose.

“What the fuck, Kwon?” Wonwoo yelled through the net. This sent Soonyoung running over to grab the other by the shirt and this is how the two of them, best friends their whole life got into their first-ever fistfight. To be fair Soonyoung never hit Wonwoo with his hands just the ball but Wonwoo had a temper and his fist immediately collided with Soonyoung’s mouth.

Once Coach was able to tear them apart and settle down the rest of the teammates they were forced to get off the floor and the whole team was punished with running laps outside on the field.

While walking out to the field a few teammates pushed past Soonyoung glaring at him and grunting a few “thanks a lot.”

“Hyung, you ok? Did Wonnie-Hyung do something?” Chan asked, a hand gently resting on the older’s shoulder.  
“Yeah, I’m good. I’m sorry.” He said glaring over to where Wonwoo jogged beside Vernon making their way to the field. He didn’t even glance at Soonyoung.

They had run laps for a while and they were all getting tired. Soonyoung started the last lap and closed his eyes. Trying to steady his breathing and calm his mind. He liked pushing his body physically but emotionally was something he couldn’t handle. He suddenly came to a stop when he heard a yell.

He turned around and saw his teammates running to a figure on the ground. He didn’t have to see who it was because Wonwoo and he were connected somehow. They always knew when the other was hurt or upset. His breath hitched and he ran over, pushing through his teammates to see Wonwoo on his back, hands to his chest. He was turning blue.

“What the fuck are you guys doing? GET HELP!” He yelled falling to his knees to lean over his best friend. “Won, Won, what’s wrong? What hurts?” His best friend couldn’t speak but his eyes screamed that he was terrified.

“Won, please. I’m sorry. Please. You’re my best friend. I love you. Please don’t leave me.” He felt the first tear fall and then they didn’t stop even after the ambulance arrived or when he arrived at the hospital with Bohyuk by his side.

He waited in the waiting room long after his teammates went home. He bought Bohyuk some candy from the vending machine and let him use his phone to play games. Mrs. Jeon was back with Wonwoo and he had promised to keep a watch on Bohyuk but honestly, Bohyuk was keeping a watch on him.

By the time Wonwoo was placed in a room and was stable, it was already early in the morning. Soonyoung never went home and refused to go to class.

“Soon, honey.” Soonyoung looked up to see Mrs. Jeon. She wore a smile but it didn’t quite reach her eyes and the long hours of waiting and worrying clearly tired her. “He’s asking for you.”  
“He is?” He asked standing up. She chuckled and wrapped an arm around him leading him down a long hallway.

He came to a room and stopped outside the door.  
“I’ll give you some space. I’ll be with Bohyuk” she smiled before walking back towards the lobby.

Soonyoung reached for the handle but retracted his hand. He sighed. He considered just walking away but he also knew his best friend needed him.

“The door only works if you open it.” A voice said behind him. Soonyoung turned and glanced around. He couldn’t see anyone. “It’s simple, really, just reach out your hand. Grab  
that little knob, twist, and push.”

That’s when Soonyoung noticed in the corner of the room across was a small figure in the windowsill. Soonyoung couldn’t make out much about him but he rolled his eyes. “Thanks.”

"Asshole," he said while closing the door with a huff.

“Who is clapping?” Wonwoo asked in bed. Soonyoung gasped when he saw him. He looked small and not like his Wonwoo. He was in a gown and tucked under several blankets. A fresh dressed wound poked out from the gown and his skin color was paler than usual. Several tubes were connected to him and various beeps and clicks sounded every few seconds.

“I don’t know. Some kid in the other room. Won, are you okay?” Soonyoung asked rushing to the other's side. Wonwoo smiled and pulled the other to sit down next to him.

“I don’t know, Soon.” He said tiredly. “They replaced a valve to give my heart a little help but my heart isn’t good, Soon. You were right. My heart is no good.”  
Soonyoung furrowed his brows at his best friend and straightened his mouth trying to not cry.  
“Oh, Soon, I was just trying to lighten the mood. Come here.” Wonwoo pulled Soonyoung onto his chest. At some point, Soonyoung must have fallen asleep and maybe Wonwoo did too but when he woke up to a conversation between the doctor, Wonwoo, and his mother.

“He will need to be here for a while. To heal and to prepare for a donor.” The doctor said. “We haven’t finished renovations on our long-term care floor yet but he can stay here instead. I think it’ll be better for monitoring. His heart is the weakest I’ve ever seen, I’m not sure how he hasn’t had any issues before.”

“That’s fine, doctor. Whatever needs to be done.” Mrs. Jeon said. After they both left to go handle payments and paperwork Wonwoo shook Soonyoung.

“I know you’re awake and I know you heard,” Wonwoo said. Soonyoung rolled his eyes and pushed up and looked at his friend. Soonyoung still thought he was beautiful, even like this.

“Soon, go home.” Wonwoo shooed the other. Soonyoung refused.

That’s how Soonyoung spent months in a hospital room with his best friend. Chan bringing him the school work that he would work on late at night after Wonwoo finally fell asleep. That first month in the hospital was weird and awkward. There was still weird air between the two of them but they carried on as if there wasn’t. What had happened wasn't important...Wonwoo getting a transplant was.

The next month things were better. Or at least Soonyoung put on a better act than they were. They had both gotten pretty used to hospital life.

They would spend days walking the corridors and exploring the different floors. Making creamer castles in the cafe on the small round tables. Rating the different hospital meals the cafeteria was serving. They were actually well known on the 5th floor because the nurses loved them and often played into any crazy idea they came up with.

One day while Soonyoung was rushing to the fifth floor with a stack of books he could barely see over, he knocked into someone.  
“Watch out!” a familiar voice snapped. “Oh great, door boy.”

Soonyoung did his best to get a look at the boy but couldn’t see him over the stack of books in his hands. All he could see was a pair of shoes and a hand holding a duffle bag. “Getting out?” He asked.  
“No, room switch. Will your friend be going?”  
“No, he should be getting a new heart soon.”  
The other hummed. Soonyoung got off the elevator and heard the other get on. He rushed to place the books down to see the other and say goodbye but when he turned around the elevator doors had already shut.

“Won, here are all the books you wanted,” Soonyoung said slamming the books on the desk next to the bed. Wonwoo lit up and immediately reached for a few to look over them. Soonyoung smiled and grabbed one sitting down in the chair next to the bed.

This had become a routine for them. For Wonwoo to finish his book bucket list and Soonyoung loved being able to help. He hated reading but he loved reading for his best friend.

“My surgery is in two days, Soon.” Wonwoo smiled. “Recovery will suck but I’m excited. I’ll finally get out. Go back to normal.”  
Soonyoung hummed flipping through the pages in the book he currently held.  
“Coach Kim said he would come by to check on me before surgery.”  
Soonyoung groaned. “Seriously, Won?”  
“Seriously, Soon? You still can’t be jealous. We have talked about this.”  
“Have we?” Soonyoung snapped. Wonwoo huffed in annoyance.  
“You’re so selfish, Soonyoung.”

Soonyoung slammed the book closed and tossed it to the side. He couldn’t believe the audacity of his best friend. He stood up and started to gather his things.  
“Oh, great...dramatics.” Wonwoo laughed sarcastically.  
“You know what, Won, fuck you.” Soonyoung turned to face the other’s shocked face. “You want to talk about selfishness? I’ll tell you about selfishness. How about for our entire lives I’ve done everything you’ve wanted me to do. When you wanted to join a dance club and I didn’t..guess who joined dance club. We both did. Because you wanted to. When you wanted to try out for that weird poetry slam night but didn’t want to go alone who went with you? I’ve been doing whatever you wanted forever. I’ve never cared-really-because I loved you. You were my best friend. I’ve never asked anything from you.”  
“Just to have feelings for you.” Wonwoo snipped.  
“Yeah, I guess so. And that was dumb and I’m sorry. I’m sorry I fell in love with you and I’m sorry picturing life with you by my side was something I hoped for. I’ve never once put my feelings above our friendship though. But that night Wonwoo..you hurt me.”  
“We agreed it was nothing more than what it was!” Wonwoo yelled.

Soonyoung looked at his best friend and for the first time didn’t know who he was looking at.

“I understand. And I...was wrong to go along with it knowing how I felt. I was wrong to think it would make you change your mind but even a best friend wouldn’t have treated me like you did after, Won. As soon as you were done you were out of the bed and cleaning off any trace of me there was. I saw you scrub at parts of your body that I didn’t even touch-as if you felt disgusting for being with me.”  
“I did!” Wonwoo said frustrated.

Soonyoung sucked in a breath. He wouldn’t cry. He let it out slowly feeling his hands shake. “I’m sorry it was so bad for you, Wonwoo.”

He watched Wonwoo sigh and searched his face for a sign that Wonwoo didn’t mean what he had just said but his best friend’s face had become unreadable.

“Maybe. Maybe we just need some time to ourselves. I need some space to heal from things that...I guess I caused it. And you clearly need space from me. I’m sorry I somehow guilted you into sleeping with me. I’m sorry that I have been selfish. I’m sorry that I gave you parts of me I shouldn’t have.” Soonyoung said the last part shakily, voice breaking.

“Soon...” Wonwoo pleaded. “You’re my best friend.”  
“And I always will be. But you aren’t seeing things from my side, Wonwoo. I know you love me and I know you value me as a friend. You’re a great friend. But you know you’ve been putting me through it-even before that night. It’s like you enjoy knowing you’re wanted. And I guess I would too if I knew what that felt like.” Soonyoung sighed gripping the strap on his bag. “I love you and I hope the surgery goes well. You got this.” He forced a smile and walked towards his best friend.

Wonwoo tried to say more but Soonyoung silenced him by pressing his lips against the other’s. It was soft and it seemed to convey all the words Soonyoung had always wanted to say-the good and the bad. Wonwoo placed his hand tenderly on Soonyoung’s cheek and held on to the kiss so his lips could finally speak the ten thousand sorrys he had always meant to give his best friend.

They pulled apart and Wonwoo wiped a tear from Soonyoung’s cheeks. “Soon, we will get through this. We always do. I love you.”  
Soonyoung nodded and held on to Wonwoo’s hand once more not realizing it would be the last time that he did.

——

Two days later Soonyoung arrived at the hospital but he didn’t go to the 5th floor. As bad as he wanted to see his best friend before his surgery he also wanted to know what it would be like to stand his ground and maybe have the other actually miss him.

He wandered the hospital and checked directories. He wondered what floor the other patient he had run into went to. He looked through floors he didn’t know and was surprised to find there was a gift shop.

He headed towards the gift shop because he decided that he could at least be there when Wonwoo woke up with a balloon in his hand. Wonwoo would hate the corny gesture but that’s just how Soonyoung was and despite this weird place they were in, Soonyoung knew he was loved by Wonwoo.

He bounded down the hall and was met with a boy about his age who was fumbling with flowers and balloons. A small plushie rolled out of his hands and to Soonyoung’s feet. He bent down to pick it up and handed it to the other.

After a quick conversation Soonyoung, somehow ended up with a delivery in his hands. He checked the card again and then made his way back to the directory. He checked the clock and made a mental note that Wonwoo would start surgery soon.

After he made the delivery he headed back to the gift shop and let the employee, Seungkwan, he learned was his name, that the delivery was made. Seungkwan thanked him and suggested he talk with his boss, Jeonghan about getting a job. Soonyoung shook his head saying he had a bunch of summer plans to help his best friend recover from surgery. The shop employee seemed bummed but he let it go quickly.

“Hi, I heard Seungkwan offering you a job. If you change your mind just let me know.” A beautiful man with blonde hair said. “I’m Jeonghan. Since you helped today please pick something out from the flower arrangements as a show of gratitude.” Soonyoung smiled and thanked him.

He walked around and looked at the different arrangements. They were beautiful and not like the generic ones you saw in most stores. Each arrangement seemed to tell a story and Soonyoung could tell that Jeonghan had put a lot of effort and time into each one.

“Jeonghan-Hyung? Can I request something special?” He asked looking over his shoulder.

Jeonghan smiled and walked over. “Sure.”

“Can I have something with...” Soonyoung paused thinking back to the book he read Wonwoo about flower meanings. “Craspedia, Dahlias, And Amaranthus?”

Jeonghan looked at him surprised. “Oh, I see. Good health, love without compromise, and never fading feelings. Interesting” he started gathering flowers from other arrangements.

Soonyoung smiled and waiting by the counter. He checked the clock and realized he should be getting word from Mrs. Jeon soon.

Soonyoung was beyond impressed with the beautiful bouquet Jeonghan brought out wrapped tenderly in pink wax paper and tied with a white ribbon. It was gorgeous and Soonyoung thanked the older with a hug.

He felt his phone ringing and he couldn’t help but smile. He didn’t have to answer to know Wonwoo was out of surgery. He ran all the way to the fifth floor. Up all the steps because he didn’t feel like the elevator would be fast enough.

When he got to Wonwoo’s room though he wasn’t there. He looked around and concluded maybe he would recover elsewhere. He went to the lobby to see if the nurses there would know where he was moved to but instead, he found Mrs. Jeon and Bohyuk waiting for him. He smiled brightly and waved the flowers at them.

“Where is he? Did they move him? I know he will hate these but I had to!” He said smiling and touching the ribbon on the flowers.  
“Soonyoung...” Mrs. Jeon’s voice broke. Soonyoung glanced at her and saw the tear streaks that had washed her makeup away and then glanced at Bohyuk who didn’t look anywhere but the floor.

“Where is he?” Soonyoung said again more frantic. “Where is my best friend?”  
“Soonyoung there was...there was a complication during surgery.”

Soonyoung shook his head and started moving backward. He grabbed a nurse that was walking by.  
“Yah, where is Jeon Wonwoo?” He yelled voice breaking and tears starting to hit his cheeks.

“Soonyoung, please.” Mrs. Jeon begged, taking a hold of the younger. “Wonwoo...Wonwoo is gone. He didn’t make it.”

“That...that can’t be true!” Soonyoung sobbed. “He can’t. I need him. I love him. I need to tell him I’m not mad at him. I need to tell him I love him. Please, Mrs. Jeon, please. He can’t!” He fell into the older lady’s arms and she gripped him tightly as his whole body shook and he cried probably the loudest he ever had.

At one point he wasn’t sure if he was sobbing or screaming. Bohyuk eventually took the place of his mother while she tended to things the hospital needed her to do.

“Hyung, you didn’t need to tell him any of that. He knew.” Bohyuk said brushing his fingers through the older’s hair.

Soonyoung couldn’t believe how strong Bohyuk was being but he was a lot like Wonwoo so he wasn’t that surprised. But he could feel how tense the younger’s body was and he could hear the heartbreak in his voice.

“We fought. We fought and I told him I wouldn’t come to see him. That I needed space.” Soonyoung sobbed. “I should have been there when they took him but instead I was out looking at flowers that I knew he would hate.”

“He loved everything you did for him, Soon. He went in knowing you loved him. He wrote you this.” Bohyuk pulled away and pressed a letter into Soonyoung’s chest. “I’m not sure when he had planned on giving it to you but I found it near his bed when we had to go remove his stuff.”

Soonyoung looked at the letter in his hands and tears began to fall more when he recognized the small neat handwriting on the envelope that spelled out, “Soonyoungie.” He quickly pocketed the note not wanting his tears to ruin the ink.

After saying his goodbyes to Bohyuk and Mrs. Jeon he didn’t know what to do. He didn’t want to go home to an empty house. He knew he could stay with Wonwoo’s family because they were basically his own but he felt like he couldn’t regardless.

He rode the elevator to several floors numerous amounts of times. Finally landing back on the bottom floor where the gift shop was. He looked at the bouquet in his hand and wiped at the tears in his eyes.

He walked in and tried to appear normal when Jeonghan looked at him surprised.

“Honey, are you okay?” Jeonghan asked rushing over. Seungkwan poked his head out from a display and slowly walked towards Soonyoung as well.

Soonyoung hiccuped back a sob and held out the bouquet. “I-I...” Soonyoung stuttered. “I need to exchange these, please. For something different.”

Jeonghan was worried and it was written all over his face.  
“Please. Please take these-I-I can’t..” Soonyoung started. Seungkwan rushed over and took the flowers from the other’s hands and ran them to the backroom out of Soonyoung’s sight.

“Hey, it’s okay...Shhh...what’s your name?” Jeonghan asked wrapping him into a hug slowly.  
“Soonyoung.” He cried.  
“Okay, it’s okay. What did you want instead?”  
“I...” Soonyoung quieted for a moment and Jeonghan had wondered to himself if maybe he was in shock or somehow fell asleep. “I just need a small bouquet of Sedums. Please, Jeonghan-hyung, that’s what I need.” Soonyoung sobbed harder.

“Okay, okay. I will get them. Hold on.” He said tenderly helping the younger sit. He walked quickly to the back looking through the different cases of flowers he had. He felt his eyes sting with tears but composed himself the best he could.

He found them and bundled them in a soft white wax paper tied with a simple bit of twine. They were a beautiful shade of rich red but it hurt Jeonghan’s heart to look at them, knowing their meaning.

Jeonghan held out the small bundle to Soonyoung and Soonyoung took it with shaky hands.  
“Thank you.” Soonyoung hiccuped.  
“Soonyoung, please. My number is written on a card inside the flowers. Please call me if you need anything. Anything at all.”

Soonyoung smiled weakly and walked out of the store.

“Hyung, are you crying?” Seungkwan asked confused. “Why did he want different flowers?”

“He wanted Sedums, Seungkwan.” Jeonghan took a deep breath. “A cure for broken and wounded hearts.”


End file.
